My Battle with OCD & Depression

I've had a draft sitting in my blog post section for about a year now on this subject. And the truth is, part of myself really did want to post it, but I've always held back a little. First, because it's personal. It's not a story that I want to gain pity or attention from, it's different from that. It's a story that I would want others to read and have hope from.

Have you ever thought, "Man, I just wish I could talk to someone that is struggling with this same thing that I'm going through. Someone I can tell everything to and they would respond with, "me too."  Well that's my hope from this blog post...is that maybe I can be somebody's me too.

I also think it's harder to be vulnerable and open up when you're still going through the situation, which is another reason I didn't post this a year ago. But I'm posting it now, because it did get better and I'm here to tell you just that. 

If you looked at my life a couple years back on paper, you would've seen that I had a wonderful supporting family, good grades, awesome roommates, a great boyfriend, a car to get me to school, and a great group of friends. I was blessed. I had everything. And I was still so broken.

In the fall of 2016 and through a lot of 2017, I spent numerous days sad, overwhelmed, anxious, and even some days suicidal. It led to me finally to break the stigma of shame I saw in seeing a therapist and actually go see one. (Who ended up being a complete gift from God, by the way). By my second session, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and obsessive compulsion disorder.

A lot of people think of obsessive compulsion disorder (OCD) is where you can't handle something being out of order or maybe you get told you have OCD when you have to have your Christmas tree decorated evenly with coordinating ornaments. I don't know, there's many things I hear that are "OCD". And though it may be that, it's so much more. My mind would get stuck on a terrible thought and this wonderful complex mind that I was given couldn't for the life me get over it, until those thoughts start feeling truer than true. These feelings caused me to believe and act on false thoughts and led me to a very anxious mind.

And while I could talk all day and then some, explaining what OCD really is and how the brain's neurotransmitters are not operating as they should, I won't. I'll let you do your own google search on it. :)

Truth is, I hated God for it. I really did. I was so mad at him. But something Andrew, my fiancé, told me that kind of caught me off guard was, "Be mad at God. It's okay for you to be mad at him, he can take it."

Say what? But that's so wrong. You're not supposed to be mad at God, you're supposed to love him? It was sinful to be mad at him, wasn't it? Not exactly. I know it can't even come close to being comparable, but sometimes I see my relationship with God like my relationship with my Mom. Maybe you can relate a little bit even if it isn't with your mom. When I was younger and in my angsty teenage years, I got really upset with my mom. No this never happened to you before? You never got upset with anyone? ;)  I yelled, " I hate you!" to her face. I cried because I was ashamed, was in trouble, and didn't get to go to the movie that night. But the point is, is that my mom didn't respond with "I hate you too!" I was so upset with her, but it's not like she came down to my level and decided to say mean those mean words back to me. I said I hated her, which I didn't. Nor did I really hate God. Those words are out of frustration out of short snippets of feelings.

It was kind of the same situation when I was in the midst of anxiety and depression. I sat there and treated God as a punching bag and the whole time and he just kept wrapping his arms around me saying, "I love you, I love you. You are mine. I will get you through this."

 

I remember when I was on vacation with my family (where these photos were taken) and I went outside on our cruise and all I could see was miles and miles of crystal blue water. Normally, I would've thought to myself, wow. God is a creator. He created all of this. ....that and how do people think we're gonna ever run out of water? ;) But on that vacation, It was different. My heart doubted the creator of the beautiful ocean. My faith was being tested.

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

 I look back at what was the toughest year of my life, what I despised for so long, and I can finally whisper thanks to God for it.

Thanks because that time brought me so much closer to my everlasting Lord. Because questioning my faith actually brought me closer to God. It made my faith mine and not someone else's. It made me appreciate the times I feel on fire for God so much more. It allowed me to trust in God and know that even though there's stupid sin in this world, he will have my back.

I don't know if you're going through depression or have an anxiety disorder, like I do. And I can't pretend to know what you're going through either, because I know everyone's situations are so different. But I do know, that if you're hurting in anyway, you do not have to stay hurting.

God can handle you being upset with him. Let him take it. Let him take your problems, your worries, all your anxiety. Cling to him. He created you, knowing that you would go through what you're going through. The important thing is, is that you stick with him and trust in him. Though I was tempted to run a way from home the day I got upset with my mom, I didn't. Not that I really had anywhere to go. I wouldn't have survived on my own, I was 13. ;)

During this time in my life the last thing I wanted to do was sit down and read my bible or do a devotion. Which was super frustrating. I could see all my roommates and friends being on fire for God and I was over here wanting to throw my bible at the wall. I found comfort in knowing that God's presence doesn't rely on your feelings for him. Whether you feel like raising your hands and singing your heart out to the Lord or a hundred million miles away, he's still just as close as ever.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9 

If you can't find it in your heart to read the bible that day, just make it a point to say little spurts of prayers throughout the day. Whisper, "Jesus" and he'll know. 

I remember telling my mom and boyfriend over and over again, pray for me. Just pray for me. So let me know how I can pray for you. I don't care who you are, I want to be there with you helping you kick your hurt in the butt.

Also, God made therapists.  He gave people the gift to help other people. So go see one. ;) I think therapy and getting on a medication that worked for me was one of the best things I did in 2017.

I'M GETTING MARRIED.

  

I'M GETTING MARRIED. 

Ahh! I love getting to say those words. 

A lot of little girls dream of their wedding day. They've got the whole day planned out, their dress, their flowers, and having their dad walk them down the aisle.

As a little girl and even into my college years, I never really experienced that dream. Of course I knew I wanted to get married and wanted to have a husband. I just didn't day dream of what the day would be like! I didn't have that exciting feeling that my other friends were having. In fact, I didn't really understand why my girl friends were even talking about it in college, let a lone getting engaged.  

The dream I had growing up was what it would like to be a mom. I loved that feeling, it excited me. I would daydream in class on what kind of mom I would be, what traditions my family would create for ourselves, how I would decorate their nurseries and rooms, even to what their names would be. Still, more than a lot of things–I desire to be a mom. 

Several months ago, I was driving down the interstate traveling back home.  I had this unknown feeling – this feeling that I wanted to be a wife. Not only a wife–but Andrew's (my fiancé's) wife. I already knew I loved him and that I didn't want to be without him. But now I couldn't help to just picture being a wife to him and no longer a girlfriend. What our wedding day would be like, what kind of dress I would wear, what our first dance song would be. I knew for a while that Andrew had already felt these feelings and was just waiting for me to be ready for marriage as he was. All these feelings rushed over me and I couldn't help to smile the entire way home.  

.... 

Fast forward later...these feelings didn't go away. In fact, they became stronger. And as you may have guessed, Andrew and I got engaged on December 9th, 2017. :)

Ever since the proposal, I have been kind of living on cloud nine. I started to quickly understand why my friends loved talking about their weddings, why it was so exciting. I got it. It clicked. I get to wake up in the morning and ask myself, what do I get to plan today?! From catering, to colors, to booking a photographer, wedding dress shopping, it is all so fun. Overwhelming but fun. But the best part of all is that I know at the end of my wedding day, I get to be Andrew's wife.





Now that the sappy part is over. ;) I have to tell you something.

The second you start to find your identity in your spouse or significant other, is when you begin to loose.

I love Andrew. I want the best for Andrew. I really do. I want to look at him as Christ looks at him. And I know that he loves me. I know he has my best intentions at heart. But guys... we screw up.  There has been plenty of times where we've been mean and hurtful towards each other. We've said spiteful words we don't mean, we've ignored each other, have been selfish, and safe to say we're human. We love each other, but man we cannot be Jesus for each other.

When I believe I am not good enough, start to feel sorry for myself because Andrew didn't call me "beautiful" that day and homegirl here was feeling down, ugly, and just really needed to hear those words–I am finding my identity in Andrew, not the Lord. Because the Lord loves me, knitted me together in my mother's womb, and died for me, I know he finds me beautiful every second of everyday. Because I am a child of God, I can find my identity in him.

I want to be wanted. I want to be desired. I think it's pretty much human nature to feel these things. And even though being Andrew's girlfriend is a pretty sweet gig, he's not my savior.  He can support me and love me (And he does), but he in no way will save me like the Lord can. He cannot give me a complete satisfaction in my heart, nor can I with him.

Guys. You have a God that loves you. That cares for you, one that wants you to find your identity in him. I know the Lord blessed me with the desire to be a wife, and someday will bless me with the opportunity to be a mother.

Don't forget that your all in all satisfaction, contentment, your purpose in life comes from our everlasting Lord.