I've had a draft sitting in my blog post section for about a year now on this subject. And the truth is, part of myself really did want to post it, but I've always held back a little. First, because it's personal. It's not a story that I want to gain pity or attention from, it's different from that. It's a story that I would want others to read and have hope from.
Have you ever thought, "Man, I just wish I could talk to someone that is struggling with this same thing that I'm going through. Someone I can tell everything to and they would respond with, "me too." Well that's my hope from this blog post...is that maybe I can be somebody's me too.
I also think it's harder to be vulnerable and open up when you're still going through the situation, which is another reason I didn't post this a year ago. But I'm posting it now, because it did get better and I'm here to tell you just that.
If you looked at my life a couple years back on paper, you would've seen that I had a wonderful supporting family, good grades, awesome roommates, a great boyfriend, a car to get me to school, and a great group of friends. I was blessed. I had everything. And I was still so broken.In the fall of 2016 and through a lot of 2017, I spent numerous days sad, overwhelmed, anxious, and even some days suicidal. It led to me finally to break the stigma of shame I saw in seeing a therapist and actually go see one. (Who ended up being a complete gift from God, by the way). By my second session, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and obsessive compulsion disorder.
A lot of people think of obsessive compulsion disorder (OCD) is where you can't handle something being out of order or maybe you get told you have OCD when you have to have your Christmas tree decorated evenly with coordinating ornaments. I don't know, there's many things I hear that are "OCD". And though it may be that, it's so much more. My mind would get stuck on a terrible thought and this wonderful complex mind that I was given couldn't for the life me get over it, until those thoughts start feeling truer than true. These feelings caused me to believe and act on false thoughts and led me to a very anxious mind.
And while I could talk all day and then some, explaining what OCD really is and how the brain's neurotransmitters are not operating as they should, I won't. I'll let you do your own google search on it. :)
Truth is, I hated God for it. I really did. I was so mad at him. But something Andrew, my fiancé, told me that kind of caught me off guard was, "Be mad at God. It's okay for you to be mad at him, he can take it."
Say what? But that's so wrong. You're not supposed to be mad at God, you're supposed to love him? It was sinful to be mad at him, wasn't it? Not exactly. I know it can't even come close to being comparable, but sometimes I see my relationship with God like my relationship with my Mom. Maybe you can relate a little bit even if it isn't with your mom. When I was younger and in my angsty teenage years, I got really upset with my mom. No this never happened to you before? You never got upset with anyone? ;) I yelled, " I hate you!" to her face. I cried because I was ashamed, was in trouble, and didn't get to go to the movie that night. But the point is, is that my mom didn't respond with "I hate you too!" I was so upset with her, but it's not like she came down to my level and decided to say mean those mean words back to me. I said I hated her, which I didn't. Nor did I really hate God. Those words are out of frustration out of short snippets of feelings.
It was kind of the same situation when I was in the midst of anxiety and depression. I sat there and treated God as a punching bag and the whole time and he just kept wrapping his arms around me saying, "I love you, I love you. You are mine. I will get you through this."
I remember when I was on vacation with my family (where these photos were taken) and I went outside on our cruise and all I could see was miles and miles of crystal blue water. Normally, I would've thought to myself, wow. God is a creator. He created all of this. ....that and how do people think we're gonna ever run out of water? ;) But on that vacation, It was different. My heart doubted the creator of the beautiful ocean. My faith was being tested.
Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28
I look back at what was the toughest year of my life, what I despised for so long, and I can finally whisper thanks to God for it.
Thanks because that time brought me so much closer to my everlasting Lord. Because questioning my faith actually brought me closer to God. It made my faith mine and not someone else's. It made me appreciate the times I feel on fire for God so much more. It allowed me to trust in God and know that even though there's stupid sin in this world, he will have my back.
I don't know if you're going through depression or have an anxiety disorder, like I do. And I can't pretend to know what you're going through either, because I know everyone's situations are so different. But I do know, that if you're hurting in anyway, you do not have to stay hurting.
God can handle you being upset with him. Let him take it. Let him take your problems, your worries, all your anxiety. Cling to him. He created you, knowing that you would go through what you're going through. The important thing is, is that you stick with him and trust in him. Though I was tempted to run a way from home the day I got upset with my mom, I didn't. Not that I really had anywhere to go. I wouldn't have survived on my own, I was 13. ;)
During this time in my life the last thing I wanted to do was sit down and read my bible or do a devotion. Which was super frustrating. I could see all my roommates and friends being on fire for God and I was over here wanting to throw my bible at the wall. I found comfort in knowing that God's presence doesn't rely on your feelings for him. Whether you feel like raising your hands and singing your heart out to the Lord or a hundred million miles away, he's still just as close as ever.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
If you can't find it in your heart to read the bible that day, just make it a point to say little spurts of prayers throughout the day. Whisper, "Jesus" and he'll know.
I remember telling my mom and boyfriend over and over again, pray for me. Just pray for me. So let me know how I can pray for you. I don't care who you are, I want to be there with you helping you kick your hurt in the butt.
Also, God made therapists. He gave people the gift to help other people. So go see one. ;) I think therapy and getting on a medication that worked for me was one of the best things I did in 2017.
